Just Another Nuzlocke
by 2Lax4U
Summary: Despite the harsh realities of his life, Nameless Guy moves against the flow of society, becoming like no other. With a destiny ahead of him, he becomes a Pokemon Trainer. There is talk of him being the one...the God-Sue. Read and discover the extremely serious plot, political stand points and of course the physics defying main character in this Stunning (Horrible) Nuzlocke.
1. Stupid Start

**Nuzlocke Rules (For Those Who Don't Know)**

**A Nuzlocke is basically playing the pokemon game but with a set of rules in play at all times and must always be obeyed. Of course there are variants to the rules, But 2 are always the same.**

**1) If a Pokemon Faints it is DEAD...and must be thrown away.**

**2) All Pokemon must be Named.**

**3) You can only catch the first pokemon you encounter on each route, Unless the pokemon you meet is one you already have, then you may catch another pokemon.**

* * *

"I hate my mother.." I grumbled to myself. The sound of an old engine echoed into the small metal room I was currently in, well in was less a room and more a trailer. I sat cramped in between cardboard boxes I let out a sigh and secretly cursed my cheapskate mother. Ride in the truck she said. Keep the stuff safe she said. That was a whole bunch of horse shit, she just didn't want to pay for my bus ride to fuck knows where.

The truck hit a bump in the road and I found myself airborne. I fell with a nice crunch, it was mostly my bones, not the china so don't worry. "FUCK!" I screamed.

That wasn't the last of the bumps however for I was sent flying into all four metal walls.

SLAM

"Fuck..."

CRASH

"I'm..."

CRUNCH

"Going .."

BAM

"To.."

SPLASH

"Slap...

ONOMATOPEIA

"A..."

ALL CAPITAL LETTERS THAT EMPHASIZE PAIN

"Bitch…"

"Hey quite down back there! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with my GIRLfriend." The driver yelled, his voice some how carrying to the back.

"Ugh…Pretty rainbow ponies..." I replied. Dazed.

The truck drove on for roughly thirty more seconds before it came to an abrupt and prompt stop. The trailers back hatch opened and day light sparkled, yeah I said it, it sparkled into my general area. A buff Manish figure shadowed into my vision.

"Jesus?" I asked in my daze.

"No son." A coarse ruff and gruff voice that was earned from spit and grit and grit and spit.

"Fuuuuuuck!" I groaned.

'Give your mother a hug." The voice commanded. The figure stepped forward, A hulking beast of a woman appeared. She had bigger pecks than the situation, harder abs than a person with abs and her actual frame...hmmm how to describe it... A manatee that hits the gym weekly.. Yeah. That's about right... Her stringy brown hair fell past her waist, her stony gray eyes looked at me with affection, and her Manish lips, covered in bright red lip stick, puckered to plant a wet one my cheek. With a futile attempt to push her away, I was overcome and she succeeded.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I screamed, scrubbing my cheek ruthlessly.

"No swear words honey! It's rude!" She barked.

I looked around, we where in a suburban area, neat little houses sat next to each other, clean cut grass EVERYWHERE, each was completed with a nice perky white sign with the families names in front. It all made me sick.

I jumped out of the truck and the movers set to work. Taking a look at the new house I could tell it was nothing special, a lot like the others, except our family name was on the sign. Stupid.

"By the way ma...Where the hell are we?"

"Kanto Honey dearest, Pallet Town to be exact." she answered.

"How in the fuck did we do that? We used to live in Hoenn! A Truck can't drive on water!"

"Well it did now get over it." she said sternly.

"Huh?..."

With a MANLY turn she stared at me with intense intensity. A red aura cloaked her and she seemed to grow in size and the amounts of hair on her lip.

"Go set your clock NOW!" the man lady ogre screamed.

I scampered of into the house, up the stairs and into my supposed room…or well what I assumed was my room, and set the single alarm clock sitting in the middle of the room.`

Walking down the stairs I saw that all the furniture had been unloaded and well…set up in a matter of minutes. The house looked like we had been living there for just about a month. Then I noticed all my stuff packed into the kitchen trash can...

"MOM! WTF!" I yelled.

The beef pile of a woman thundered into the room, due to her manly foot steps.

"All boys must leave home some day.." She said like a roaming zombie.

"OK what the fuck! We just switched from a Hoenn game opening to a Kanto game opening. What is this foolishness?"

"All boys must leave home someday.." She repeated, handing me an empty backpack, with no supplies what so ever.

Then she pulled out her wallet and handed me a nice and pristine 3000 pokebill.

With a single MANLY shove from my mother I was thrust several feet, straight out the door. It was amazing how much MANLY strength my mother held.

The door then shut and locked itself. Huh, it was as if some cosmic, author like, being was telling me to leave. Strange.

Dusting of my bum…haha bum.. I stood up and walked down the suburb road.

I was soon bored of that…so I started hopping. Then I got bored of that so I started skipping, I got bored of that and tried to run...Which, for some unexplainable reason, I couldn't. Scanning my feet and legs for a possible problem I was snuck up on.

"Sniffffffffffffff" A voice went as a strange inward breeze brushed my skin.

I turned with a start, scared to find a perfectly normal looking teen, wearing a purple shirt and gray pants. He had brown eyes.

The fucker just sniffed me.

"What the Fuck!" I screamed as I flung my fist towards the dudes face, he ducked and yelled a confident.

"Smell Ya Later!'

With that he ran off.

I of course followed him.

Until he jumped into a large patch of TALL grass. I Skidded to a top and eyed the dark grass with minor fear. With better judgment I took a step back.

"I'll let the fairy die, Fuck this!"

That's when an Iron Hard grip grasped my shoulder and threw me to the ground. I looked up to find an old guy wearing a lab coat and socks, nothing else.

Of course I screamed like an unMANly prepubescent girl.

Then came the dragging. The old man walked forward, dragging me behind him like dead weight. I was flailing and screaming.

"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!" I screamed.

No One Answered.

"Stranger DANGER! I NEED AN ADULT!"

No One Came. No one even attempted to stop the naked old man. But then again...who would?

I had already sympathized with the idea of becoming someone else's bitch by the time we reached the abandoned building.

I utterly broke down and began to cry. Again very unMANly.

That's when the old man began to talk.

"I am a pokemon professor!" He said harshly.

Ok so not a rapist, But weren't pokemon used in the illegal cock fighting rings, they were beefed up super animals or something like that, I've actually never seen one.

Maybe it was slang for a drug dealer.

"My name is Professor Oak! But that's Professor Professor Oak to you!"  
Ok he is less a drug dealer and more a whack job.

"SNIFFFFFFFF"

Fuck.

" I told ya I'd Smell Ya Later!" The fruit cake said with a giggle.

Scary.

"Yeah you sure did.." I said nervously as I pushed him aside.

"Ah I see you have met my grandson...what was his name again?" Oak asked.

"Dumbass?" I offered helpfully.

"Yay MY name is Dumbass!" Dumbass Cheered.

Oh god help me.

"Now each of you grab one of my balls!" Oak said.

Ok...he's a rapist again.

Well that's what I thought until he pointed at three Red and White balls/orbs...They weren't that MANly.

"You each may take one of my balls, each contains a pokemon, that if trained enough, could destroy an entire city!"

Dumass Oooh'd and Awww'd.

I face palmed. This idiot didn't need a monster like that.

"You may choose first!" Oak declared, pointing at me.

"Surrreee..."

I grabbed the one closest and after Dumbass grabbed the one farthest away like a try hard. I laugh at him for walking several feet.

"Let them out!" Oak commanded.

Dumbass ate his and I lobbed mine onto the ground. A green dinosaur with a green bulb thingy looked up at me with curious eyes.

"Hey." I said to it.

"Hey." It said back. And well I freaked the fuck out. From what I heard pokemon weren't able to talk.. but then again.

"That's a bulbasaur!" Oak said matter o' factly.

I looked at it again.

"Stop Staring, its not like I'm naked or anything hewman."It said, awfully British sounding. I didn't want to point out that the bulbasaur was in fact naked.

"Now NICKNAME IT!" Oak screamed.

The monster looked at me expectantly.

"D..DO..do you have a name?" I asked.

"No, that's your, the trainer, job.

"Huh..."

" I think I'll name you Bulbasir."

And Thus Began The Nuzlocke.

* * *

**Bulbasir Lvl 5**


	2. Stupid Shiny Shit

"Wut?"I asked.

"Let's have a battle!" Dumbass pronounced as he placed his right hand on his hip and thrust out his pokeball.

"Wasn't that in your stomach…like…I dunno…thirty seconds ago?"

"Don't try to understand NUZLOCKE KNOWLEDGE! JUST FIGHT!" Oak screamed.

Dumbass threw his ball on the floor.

"Molotov!" He yelled.

I smacked my self in the face and looked at Dumbass. He smiled and flared his nostrils. The pokemon that was produced from the ball was a small orange lizard like thingy.

It raised its paws and yelled "CHARMANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Which roughly translated to "PASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Great a retarded pokemon for a retarded trainer.

I sighed and looked down at Bulbasir. He looked back and gave a very helpful "Meh".

"Ok Fine." I answered.

Oak (Btw still buck ass naked.) threw a couple of crumpled dollar bills onto the ground. I followed suit. Dumbass did the same.

"Let's get this over with…"I deadpanned.

"Honk" Dumbass answered.

The Charmander stepped forward. Bulbasir followed suit. Dumbass prepared to say something, but before he could I grabbed his pokemon and punted it through a window like a football.

Dumbass chased after it, by diving out the window, making sure to yell "Smell Ya Later."

"Fucktard." I muttered.

"Goood Show! That was excellent pokemon battling, I just knew that intrusting you with that pokemon would lead to great things. Here take this."

Oak handed me a pamphlet. I looked at him, he was a mother fucking dumbass. He reached for the money, so I kicked him right in the dick.

That's when I noticed something shiny. Shiny things where good.

"This plot his horrible" commented Bulbasir.

"No body asked you!" A voice thundered from above. Bulbasir pissed himself. Damn straight.

"Master..." he chimed.

"SSSSSSSSSHHHHH there is something shiny over here!" I said as I reached a work table. Sitting on the table was an red slab box thingy that beeped. I picked it up and tossed it out the window.

"Nobody got time for that." I said.

Five pokeballs gleamed under the lamp light. I picked them up and shoved them into my pocket. An instruction manual sat next to them, I opened it up and read.

it said…"THROW THE GOD DAMN BALL AT A POKEMON... P.S.: FIGURE THINGS OUT YOURSELF DUMBASS."

"huh…well that's rude."

Bulbasir and I collected our money and kicked the old man a couple of times.

We stepped outside. The sunlight sparkled downwards. I smiled.

"What now master?" Bulbasir asked.

"uhhhhhhhh...hmmm"  
I pulled out the pamphlet that professor Oak gave me.

"I suppose we do this" I said, showing him the paper.

"That looks fun..." he said nervously.

It Reads : ENTER IN THE UNDERGROUND POKEMON COCK FIGHT THING

Caution: Your pokemon may experience painful death...but it will be worth it...cause of money and stuff.

** Sponsored by BRAWNDO (The MANLYEST DRINK IN THE UNIVERSE)**

* * *

**Bulbasir Lvl 6**


	3. Stupid Vampires

The sun was shining, its rays glittering down gracing the world with its beauty. Somehow a rainbow stretched across the sky, it was full and showing its dazzling colors.

Unicorns flew around like the blue angels, pooping clumps of glitter EVERYWHERE. Shirtless vampires sparkled in the sun, each being mellow dramatic, crying over there whims of hunger and love. It all made me vomit. Repeatedly.

I punched one in the face and stepped on its nuts.

It gave a "Teee Heeee" making me shiver. Bulbasir decided he wasn't a fan either and took a hot steamy one on it. I of course gave him mad props.

"Its an infestation of idiocricy." I say aloud.

Bulbasir nods in agreement.

A couple of the vamps look at me in mild disagreement.

"Get lost your kin ain't welcome here!" I yell. They scamper off.

"That was random.." Comments Bulbasir.

"Yup, that's my life for ya."

We walked north for a couple of minutes and arrived at the exit of town. The knee high grass looked so...threatening. It shimmered in the wind, making me jump back, letting out a 'YELP'

My knees began to shake.

"Uhhh Bulbasir, it we get into any death matches your gunna need to protect me because for some reason I can't run."

"Sure thing master." Bulbasir said.

'Heeewmans are strange...' Bulbasir thinks to himself.

We walked forward, nothing happened. We took another step, nothin' still.

"Hmmm This isn't that scary.." I say as I take a step forward.

"HOLY SHIT!" I Scream.

A Pidgey fly at my face and attempts to take it off, pecking and clawing.

"OH MY TITS." I say as I roll like I was on fire. I stop when I notice it has stopped.

I look up at the hovering Pidgey, it is staring at Bulbasir with intense intensity. Bulbasir was meeting it with his sir ness.

"Why do thou protect the Hewman? He is a harlot, bent on suppressing our kind."

"I dunno, just am." Bulbasir replies.

"Then thou shall die by thy claws!" it screeches and attempts to kamikaze my Bulbasaur.

Key word: Attempts.

For before the beasts clash in an epic battle of epic ness and tackles, possibly a growl here and there, the Pidgey is absorbed by one of the pokeballs, that I happened to throw at it, All on purpose, I assure you.

The ball shook once, twice, thrice, I can't count fuck math. Math is for geeks, I sir am no geek, I am a nerd.

Whatever. Capture complete.

I released the Pidgey.

" How dare this filthy Hewman capture me! Me one of such prestige and allure."

I realize that the Pidgey is a girl.

"What's your name?" Bulbasir asks.

"Pringles!" I decide.

"Wut?" Pringles the Pidgey asked.

"It's your name!" I say.

"Hmmph that sir is not my name! Thy name is..."

"Pringles." Bulbasir finishes.

"Exactly!" I say.

"What gives you the right?" Pringles asks.

"Let's just say...I've got you by the balls." I say holding up its pokeball.

And then the team underwent an hour of grinding...

* * *

**Bulbasir Current Level: 10**

**Pringles Current Level: 9**

**AN: Chapters will probably be short and sporadic, like this one! R&R**


	4. Stupid Old Guy

The city was small. There were only a couple skyscrapers here and there, a factory, a big gray building, a pokemon center (which I had become quit familiar with because Pringles took hits like a bitch.) as well as a pokemart. There where some people here and there, hurrying to there meaningless jobs to earn honest pay. Losers.

Pringles hovered in the air near my head, and Bulbasir walked content at the base of my leg.

"Master, why doest return to this city repeatedly?" Pringles the pidgey asked.

"Oh I wonder...Oh maybe because you take a hit like a hamster with the runs." I say.

"What?" she asks.

"Don't try to reason with masters...eh 'special' mind set." says Bulbasir.

They where quiet for the rest of the walk through town, watching the sparkly vampires that hide in the alleys with distaste and pure racism...can you be racist to vampires?

I'm guessing yes.

We arrive at the edge of town; patches of tall grass can be seen. Then a old bald guy runs out in front of us. With a shot gun.

"Tits or GTFO!" he screams, waving the weapon as if it was a baton. He then shakily aims it at my head.

Bulbasir watches with mild interest, but his vines are at the ready. Pringles starts cheering him on.

"Yes! Shoot thy master! Use your boom stick Hewman! Use it! Spread the seed of destruction!" Pringles encourages.

I raise my hands.

A patch of grass rustles behind him and then a shit load of Weedle pop out. And I mean a shit load. Over two-hundred for sure.

"MEN AT ARMS!" The old man screams turning his attention away from me.

Then from the near by shrubbery people bust out full commando, carrying AK-47s an shit. I could even see a girl scout troop at the ready with crowbars, baseball bats and of course cookies, deadly cookies. I'm talking Frozen Thin Mints. Shit just got real.

"FOR NARNIA!" The Old guy screams and charges the swarm.

His troop followed at his battle cry.

I slowly backed away.

* * *

Pringles was very disappointed.

So I stored her in her ball so she could mope The only way out for her was death. (Cause its a nuzlocke..hehehehe)

We back tracked through town. Vamps be glarin and I be flippin them off. Like a sir.

That's when I saw a patch of grass near the side of the town.

I look at Bulbasir, he shrugs as well as a Bulbasaur can.

I walk in and BLAM. There's a monkeys butt in my face. And it smells delightful.

The monkey thing takes its buns off me and turns and raises its paws in a fight read position. It then punches me in the stomach.

"FUCK!" I scream as I fly backwards. Bulbasir shoots its seed at the Mankey and it gets all over the place. Boy was that gross.

The Mankey began to freak the fuck out, Can you blame it? It just got sprayed in the face with seed.

Bulbasir then Tackles it. Boy this doesn't sound like rape at ALL.

I Pull one of my balls out and just smack the Mankey in the face with it. (Just like in rape.)

It is absorbed into the ball and it clicks shut.( normally the other way around)

Catch completed.

"Hmmmm... what to name it?" I said thinking to myself.

Then a familiar. "SNIIIFFFFFFF"

"FUCK!"

* * *

**Team: Bulbasir- Lvl 10**

** Pringles-Lvl 10**

** Female Mankey...Un-named- Lvl 4**

* * *

**AN: So my emulator is open on my computer screen and I don't know what to name this mankey, it's a girl... so I am wondering if you guys the readers would help me name it! Just leave a possible name in the reviews, or Pm me. IDC Which... Anyways I'm going to battle Dumbass in the next chapter.. After the Mankey is named.**

**SO Read and Review.**


	5. Stupid Russian Fist

"Get the FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" I scream as Dumbass breathes in my scent, giggling to him self in the mean while.

I pick up Bulbasir and hold him out in front of me for protection. Dumbass gives me a crooked grin.

"Its time for the life long struggle, good vs. evil, Edward vs. Jacob, Robocop vs. The Terminator, Oprah vs. God, Gangnam Style vs. Thrift Shop! I challenge you to a battle!" He declares.

I set down Bulbasir and smile to myself. I stretched and cracked my knuckles.

"Well I guess I'm gunna pop some tags!" I say.

Dumbass smiles and pulls out a pokeball.

"Op Op…lets do this!" He says determined, tossing out a pokeball. Out pops a pidgey.

"Pringles fuck this shit up!" I say as I throw out her pokeball.

She looks around; she glances at the other pidgey.

The other pidgey gasps and lets out a series of startled squawks.

It translated out to be: "My queen! You have been captured by a hewman? How is this? You are one of the top ten percent of our kind!"

"Shut it peasant and prepare for a swift and painless defeat!" Pringles declares.

"You have become blood thirsty and soft do to the hewmans I must put you out of you misery! Now die my Queen." The other declares.

The two meet in a series of tackle attacks, the other pidgey wasn't to smart and used a sand-attack despite Pringles Keen Eye ability. The other was defeated with a gust.

"That was epic!" Cheered Dumbass.

"No it wasn't." I deadpan.

I return Pringles and Dumbass sends out his dumb ass Charmander.

Guess what he named it. Dumbass Jr. That's what.

I eye the new pokeball that I still held in my hand. Shrugging I send the little she bastard out.

The Mankey hops excitedly shaking its paw fist things. I grab her attention and crouch down.

"Hello." I say.

"Hello." She says back, in a rather Russian sounding accent.

"What's you name?" I ask.

"Helga. What is going on here hewman? What has happened?"

I give her a run down of the situation and she nods.

"I understand. In my mother village we have this custom of serving who ever catch us with the utmost care and passion." She states, her accent thick.

Her accent was manly, I half expected for Helga to grow a moustache, and it would be the thickest manliest and most Russian moustache there ever was.

"I have undergone covert Russian training that makes me a master in Russian Kung-fu, also known as Russian-fu, with a flex of Russian ness I shall become a level 8!" She says, flexing her abs.

And bam it was done.

She raised her paw fist things at the ready. Dumbass ordered for Dumbass Jr. to use Ember. It didn't have the chance to.

In a flash Helga had smacked Dumbass Jr.'s maw shut and uppercut him, sending him into the air. In another flash Helga began to scratch the fuck out of it, and then sent it flying towards the ground with a kick.

The Charmander was barely on its feet, struggling to stand up.

"RUSSIAN FIST!" Helga screamed as she brought down her balled fist on the fire lizards skull. An incredibly unreal crater was created from the manly Russian force, The Charmander was knocked out cold.

Well brain damage to the stupid has no effect I suppose.

"Well that was fun!" In a second he was by me.

"SNIIIIIFFFFF"

"Smell ya later!" He said disappearing in thin air.

"One day I will stab that mofo." I swore.

* * *

**Team-**

**Bulbasir lvl 12**

**Pringles lvl 10**

**Helga lvl 9**

* * *

**An: So yeah I ended up going with Helga, thank you gallantmon for coming up with that it was a help. So yeah….Probably another chapter tomorrow. IDK.**

**RUSSIAN FIST! Thrift Shop FTW. R&R**


	6. Stupid Old Guy Catches a Plot

The team and I walked back into Viridian **(Oh yeah I didn't mention that I was in Viridian….Well I'm there and shit so...yeah.)** coming from route 22. After a quick heal up and a robbery…uh… I mean heist of…no … um and a 'shopping' trip, we made our way towards route 2. Last time we where there (approx. 30mins ago.) an old guy waved around his shot-gun and threatened to blow my brains, then a legion of Weedle attacked and a shit load of other people came out.

A typical Saturday.

We walked into the same are and all that remained was the casualties of war. The Weedle corpses had been piled and where currently burning. It smelled like chicken.

The human corpses had been laid side by side, out of the 30 fighters, 20 laid dead. The others sat in groups, huddled together, shuttering and weeping to themselves.

The old man stood alive and strong watching the grass, an Ak-47 aimed and ready at the grass. A breeze of wind passes through the tall grass and he unloads a spray of bullets into it.

"RATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA" He screamed, it rhythm with the guns crackle.

I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around with a crazed look in his eyes.

"Uhhh…Sir Gun Guy can I get through?" I asked

"Can a jigglypuff sing the blues?" He answered.

The look I gave him showed that I had no clue what I was talking about.

He looked me up and down. Pringles stops flying around and roosts on my shoulder, Bulbasir is sitting on the ground watching the tall grass with mild interest and Helga is just standing around being a Russian boss.

"A trainer eh? In this day and age? With everything that's going on? Hehe...well now I've seen everything!" He says, mostly talking to himself.

"Uh…" I said feeling intelligent.

"Hahahaha don't worry about it! Anyways I can't let you pass young one. Its to dangerous for a kid to do such a thing." He says.

"You told me tits of get the fuck out then threatened to blast my brains out." I pointed out.

"Ah well Cocaine is a hell of a drug. People be hatin' I suppose."

I face palmed.

"Its war boy, why would you want to go out there?" He asks.

"Cause I have nothing better to do!" I answer.

He is slightly taken aback.

"What? What a sue-ish answer! Maybe you are..." he started then began mumbling to himself.

"….legends foretell…God sue?" Was all I could make out from his mumbling.

He stares at me. What's with all these Kanto folk, are they all brain dead and bat shit crazy?

"You may pass!" He says.

"I was gunna do even if you told me I couldn't" I state.

"You must be careful and deliver a message to the leader of Pewter City, Tell him to send us supplies and men, we will survive." He says.

I nod and began to take off, but he stops me and hands me a mini Television.

"It will keep you in touch with the nation and the news; also it gets all the nude channels." He said with a wink.

"Well alright then." I said as I took off.

Five steps into the tall grass and I am attacked by a wild pokemon, it's a Female Weedle.

I catch it and name it Del, but it poisoned Pringles (Pringles is a poison bitch).

So I run back and wave at the old man as I race by and go heal in the pokemon center.

Then run right back out of town, past route 2 and into Viridian Forest.

"God Speed…" The Old Man says to himself. Unsure if he was going to survive the night.

* * *

**Team:**  
**Helga: 10**

**Pringles: 12**

**Del: 4**

**Bulbasir: 12**

* * *

**An: So yeah, this chapter won't make sense now, but it will later…Actually just came up with it today, anyways I played ahead and am in Mount. Moon. So I will try to catch the story up with my in game progress.**

**R&R**

**Also Beware of Beavers, they are natures assassin.**

**P.S: Fuck you Daniel!**

**P.S.S: Don't ask why! Its just because…**


	7. Stupid Carl

Viridian Forest was well… a forest. It had foliage here and there, some grass, and a shit load of trees. Seriously, what's up with all these trees, they towered me and where so unevenly spaced that they cut of parts of trail and forced me to walk in one direction.

Helga stalked behind us, being very Russian and **MAN**ly, Pringles had perched on my head, while Bulbasir continued to walk by my feet. Del the newest addition, had already made her self comfortable on my shoulder, to bad she kept mumbling to her self, something about world domination.

"Master, where are we going?" Pringles asks.

"Uh… that way." I say pointing directly ahead.

"Shouldn't have asked…" she mumbles.

"HEY YOU KID!" a voice yells. I look around and see no one.

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A POKE**MAN**S BATTLE!" The voice yells again. It is slightly squeaky and very petit. I found it adorable.

"Where is that voice coming from?" I asked.

"Down here!" The voice answers.

I look down to find a large green caterpillar.

"I am the great and wonderful Caterpie King! Fear me! I am the almighty Carl, The strongest pokemon in Viridian. I hearby challenge you to a pokemon battle!" He rants.

"Uh…how does that work?"

"I shall use my Caterpie Powers! If you win then you shall claim me as your prize! I the strongest Caterpie in the land shall be yours! Fear Carl! Show me what you've got hewman!" He continues.

Then proceeds to tackle me in the stomach, Del is the first to react, sending and array of poison stings into Carl.

The Caterpie winces but continues his onslaught. He pins Bulbasir to the ground with a series of string shots, then binds Pringles wings with another shot of its sticky thread. Gross.

Del attacks again with poison sting, but it does little to the TANK of a Caterpie.

He tackles Del and sends her flying, I quickly return her to her pokeball.

"Helga do something!" I commanded.

The Russian Mankey of Awesomeness just walks up to the Caterpie and flicks it right in the horn. Carl goes flying and hits a tree breaking it in half.

"Vat was da problem?" She asks.

I shrug, doesn't matter how great the Caterpie it just can't stand up against a Russian Mankey.

I lobbed a pokeball at Carl and captured him quite easily. After the use of a couple of potions Carl was in top shape, fighting fit you could say.

I then healed Del and let them both out.

Del remained mute but climbed back onto my shoulder. Carl sat on my shoe and beamed up at me.

"You are truly a great hewman! You have defeated the Carl! The Carl knows he made a good choice in choosing you as a partner, The Carl will get stronger! Soon Carl will be the King of the Butterfrees!"

Son of a bitch, Carl was an egotistical bastard.

"This Teams personality makes no sense…" Comments Bulbasir.

"Da." Agrees Helga.

"Of course! I blame the hewman." States Pringles.

"I think its fun." Whispers Del.

"The Carl is Awesome." Says Carl.

I rub my eyes, trying to stop the impending headache.

It doesn't help when a child runs out of nowhere and starts screaming at me.

"YOU HAVE A BUG POKEMON! WE SHOULD BATTLE!" he screams.

"Ack! Pringles KILL!" I answer.

She blows away the trainers bug type pokemon with a simple gust. The kid sat on his knees and began to cry.

"Uh..Its ok kid, just shut up..Please?"

"Your mean mister! You beat both my pokemon! Impossible! The Bug Catchers Legion will bring you to justice! MARK MY WORDS." He said before running off into the forest.

"Carl thinks that boy is a bitch! Who uses just bug pokemon! They tend to suck." Says Carl.

Everyone gave the Caterpie a look.

He shrugged, or well wiggled.

"The Carl is honest; those of our kind suck.., Not the Carl though."

And with that we continued through the forest, of course we met EVERYSINGLE FUCKING BUG CATCHER in the DAMNED FOREST, but Pringles gusted them all, leaving behind a trail of crying Bug Trainers.

* * *

**Team-**

**Bulbasir lvl 13**

**Pringles Lvl 13**

**Helga lvl 12**

**Del lvl 6**

**Carl lvl 6**

* * *

**An: I basically did a shit load of grinding after going through the forest, Yeah. There Levels have changed and shit, but I'll post those next chapter.**

**Guys I think Pringles wants to die. She was poisoned fifteen times in the forest, fifteen! Da FUCK.**

**And in Mount Moon she keeps getting confused and starts beating her self…..I'm scared.**

**Anyways, post a review. Say what ever is on your mind, Except for you Daniel, you have no opinion. (Daniel is my friend from school) Tell me who is you favorite pokemon on my team so far, Idc, tell me how to improve. Tell me something.**

**I'll try to post the gym battle tomorrow.**


	8. Stupid Penis Jokes

The room was dark; it smelled like musk and sweat.

The crowd cheered, tossing bundles of money into a pit as two pokemon tore each other apart. There blood splattered against the walls, each desperate for life. They landed blow after blow until they where both mush on the floor.

A man proudly collected his earnings.

I stepped forward into the light, un-noticed by the crowd. Carl, having recently evolved twice fluttered and landed gingerly on my head. He used his psychic powers to put on a pair of black sunglasses.

"Master, the Carl does not like this establishment." The butterfree stated.

"I don't like it much either….but something tells me that I must be here…." I say.

"Cough…Plot….Cough….Development….Cough… Cough." Spewed Carl.

"You ok?" I ask.

"Fine, The Carl must be coughing because of the** TESTOSTERONE** levels….or something like that."

I shrugged it of and stepped towards a kind looking gentle**man** behind a desk. He was polishing a very nice looking shotgun.

The **man** looked up.

"Wut ye want young'in?"

"I have come to par take in tonight's events. If that is chill with you good sir."

"That's just swanky. Lets get ye signed up."

So I went through the tedious amounts of paper work. With great effort I signed my name on a piece of yellow paper and it was done.

"Ye'll be called when thur ready." The man grumbled.

We migrated into the crowd and watched the new battle that started.

A young lad stood shakily across from an Indian? African? Mexican? Persian? Alien? Asian? …..It was a dark skinned man with slits for eyes.

The young lad threw a pokeball into the arena, which was a dirt floor. Out popped a Rattata.

"He is in the top ten percent!" The boy bragged.

His opponent let out a chant.

"It's time to rock." He whispered.

"It's time to rock." He said aloud.

"IT'S TIME TO ROCK!" He screams.

The young lad takes a step back, in mild fear.

"Get out of the kitchen cause the Brock is cooking." The** man** yelled.

He tore of his shirt.

"**TESTOSTERONE**!" He screamed.

Then tossed a pokeball into the center of the dirt floor

"CAMEO APPREANCE!" Brock screamed.

The young lad officially pee'd himself when a giant rock snake erected in front of him.

"RAAAAAAR!" It bellowed.

Translation: Cloyster.

The purple rat dashed forward and bit down onto the rock penis…I mean snakes horn.

The behemoth tore the poor little thing a new one as it smashed it into the ground, making it another stain on the floor.

"RAAAAAR" The duo (Brock and Onix) Screamed simultaneously.

Translation: FUCK YEAH.

The clubs janitors sprayed down the stadium before the next match.

"Will a Mr. Nameless Protagonist please report to the arena! As well as a Mr. Ass Tits McGee!" a lady announced over the loud speaker.

"Let's go Carl."

"The Carl is ready." My butterfree announced.

We entered the arena.

A stupid looking boy was waiting there. Ass Tits McGee I assumed.

"You are light-years away from beating Brock!" He announced.

Then launched a pokeball into the arena. Out came a Sandshrew.

"Uh…you sir are an idiot. A light-year is a measurement of speed, not distance." I corrected.

"That's not what my science teacher says!" He argues.

"Your teacher should be fired. Carl Attack."

"Sandy the Sandshrew use your sand attack! Spam the **FUCK** out of it!"

So Sandy the Sandshrew shot sand everywhere.

Carl used his mind powers.

"THE CARL USES CONFUSION." The butterfree screams.

Sandy the Sandshrew exploded in a blaze of limbs and guts.

The blood splattered over Ass Tits McGee's face.

"Good Match! Oh wait! Light-years are a measure of speed not distance!"

"I hate you Ass Tits McGee." I growled.

"Please just call me Fred."

"Grrr….GET THE FUCK OUT!"

So he did.

"Winner! Nameless guy come get your money." The lady over the intercom announced.

So I did.

"Since Brock and Nameless Guy have both won there matches without either of there pokemon getting injured they will fight in the next round! First we must have a thirty minute lunch break!" The announcer lady announced.** (NO SHIT)**

A couple of minorities walked past me. **(MEXICANS)**

"Ey' ese! That puto namless guy cost me a couple o' pesos…"

"Yea homes. That gringo made me broke."

"We should cap that fuckers ass."

I slinked slowly away. A stone cold hand grasped my arm and yanked me backwards.

I was met face to face with Brock.

"Hello fellow alpha male, I am the Brock. I am the rock hard and stone cold leader of Pewter." He grunted.

"Uh…hello. We are going to battle soon right?"

"That is an affirmative. There is something about you…I can't put my finger on it…"

"Wait did you say that you are the Leader of Pewter? I have a message for you."

I relayed the message from the old geezer.

"The old **man** trusted you with this? Hmmmm…God-Sue? No…"

"Uh…yeah."

"The Brock can't wait for our battle…." Brock said.

He stalked of somewhere into the dark and I released the rest of the team. A fully evolved Del took her place next to Carl, Pringles perched herself on my shoulder, Helga crossed her arms and stood in front of me, Bulbasir took his place near my calve.

"OK Guys! I'm not really sure why I am here BUT I do know that we must be **men**! **MAN**LY **MEN**! And we won't be men unless we beat Brock's ass in the next round!" I said in an attempt to pump the team up.

"Master why must we fight in such a place?" Del buzzed.

"Yes it is quite filthy and absurd here! Master why are we here?" Pringles added.

"Exactly! Vat are we duzing here? My Russian senses are tingling." Helga says.

"We are here for the money!" I said with a laugh.

Bulbasir lets out a whisper, only audible to the team.

"Maybe it is destiny…."

Silence.

"Will Nameless Guy please report to the next fight is about to begin!"

I withdrew them into there pokeballs and walked over to the arena.

Brock was waiting, shirtless and squinting.

"GOOD LUCK! MY POKEMON ARE ROCK HARD LIKE MY DICK. I MEAN ABBS!" He yelled.

"Good luck." I offered back.

"I ROCK YOUR SHIT!" he screamed then tossed a pokeball into the arena.

After the flash of light a rock with arms appeared.

"GEODUDE!" It roared.

I don't even want to translate that.

"Helga go!" I say as I release her from her ball.

The Russian Mankey examined the field with minor interest, then her eyes met with the Geodude. It was on.

Helga dashed forward and let loose a series of punches, the Geodude easily deflected them. The rock pokemon placed his hand into the soft mud and tossed it at Helga, she was able to dodge, but the rock pokemon smashed his fist into her face.

Blood spurted from her nose, dripping down and adding to the blood stained ground.

Helga's eyes flashed red.

She charged and brought down her fist in the Geodude's skull, then followed with a low kick.

Geodude began to tremble in fear as Helga stepped forward, the intent to kill seethed out of her.

"Zhat vas a good punch, to bad zhere is a difference in our power" She mocked.

The Geodude let out a squeal in fear.

She flexed her fingers, forming a flick ready hand, placing her index finger at the rocks forehead. She released it. The pure force made the rock pokemon crumble, launching its remains in multiple directions.

"THE BROCK IS COOKING" Brock yells, then sends out his next pokemon.

It was the Onix.

"I vish to not partake in this round." Helga states.

I return her to her pokeball and grasp Bulbasirs. With a flick of my wrist he appeared after a flash of light. He took one look at the Onix then back at me.

He let out a lazy sigh and brought out his vines ready for a battle.

"SMASH!" Brock ordered.

The long hard rock snake pokemon erected itself upright then like a plank fell to the floor, Bulbasir used his vines to dodge throwing a leech seed in the mean while. The long hard snake was enveloped in tagling vines, slithering along the shaft…I mean neck. They began to constrict, making the Onix's head seem to pop.

The beast opened its mouth and spewed a stream of gravel, smashing into Bulbasir.

The stadium was silent, the beaniers stopped there bids and watched with anticipation. A glowing, bright and fluid glittered from in-between the loose rocks. They where all suddenly thrust outwards, revealing an evolved Ivysaur (Ivy**SIR** get it right)

In his vines he held two pistols, grenades strung across his bigger, longer, harder flower.

Bulbasir pulled his triggers and blasted the fuck out of errything.

The penis…Onix stood no chance. It suffered from extreme bullet wounds and seemed to deflate.

The Mexicans in the stands where being shot to hell and chaos surrounded us. Brock curled up into a fetal position and began to cry.

"Niggas gettin' cap cap cap'd" sang Bulbasir.

He ran out of bullets and was breathing hard.

"Shall we go master?" He asked.

I nodded and we stepped out side.

"Oh wait! I forgot something!"

"What?" I ask.

"This." He says as he pulls out a pin from one of his grenades, with a vine he tossed it into the building.

And as the building exploded he turned around and began to walk away.

**FUCK YEAH.**

* * *

**Current Team:**

Ivysir- Lvl 16 (ivysaur)

**Pringles-Lvl 15**

**Helga-Lvl 15**

**The Carl- Lvl 12 (Butterfree)**

**Del-Lvl 10 (Beedrill)**

* * *

**AN: Hey sorry for the late update, this chapter is semi long and sucks dick. (Cause of the Penis Jokes)**

**I haven't played for days and am really busy, I wanted to update all of my stories but damn. I feel a bit over worked. Plus its hot as fuck!**

**I hope you guys loved the SERIOUS story and understood all of the hidden POLITICAL VIEWS in this chapter.**

**Also next chapter is going to be inspired by xxRubyJanetxx hopefully it will be good. (By good I mean bad and by bad I mean good) READ AND REVIEW.**

**(ALSO: all racial references where for shits and giggles, the penis jokes where to make u guys uncomfortable)**

**SMELL YA LATER.**


	9. Stupid Shoes

Brock stood across the street from the Illegal Underground Pokemon Cock Fight Place, which, was currently on fire.

The local fire department had responded rather quickly, the Popo weren't far behind. Amazingly no one was killed in the events that took place earlier. Despite there bullet holes and undetermined amount of blood loss as well as severe burns to the face, all the Mexicans seemed to walk away seemingly unscathed.

Brock had already told the police an elaborate cover up story for the cause of the fire and bullet wounds. According to Brock, there microwave which had experienced years of hard labor decided to retaliate towards the racist and cruel slavery that it was put through. It was able to hack into Brock's gun safe **(I guess Brock is a republican.)** Obtained a Ak-47, and fired into the poker party of over 300 people. It decided to end its life with a scream and a sudden combustion, starting the fire.

The cops found the story legit. Mostly because recently a lot of microwave slaves began to retaliate, many claimed there cause was noble. They wanted the end of there oppression, rumors said they were joining some unknown terrorist group called **SKYNET**, nothing big.

The fire was dying down with the use of water **(but the cops believe its electrical...)**

Brock pulls out his phone and dials a number. It rings for a bit.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end asked.

"Hey Misty, It's the Brock."

"NO! For the last time I won't go out with you!" Misty snaps.

"Where did that come from sugar lips? I just wanted to talk to you about this kid…"

"Don't call me that! What about a kid? You a pedophile now?" Misty asks.

"Off course not baby cakes. This kid, he may be the 'one'"

"What?"

"The one gramps talked about….you know…"

"The…God-Sue? Are you serious?" Misty obviously says in disbelief.

"Yeah…I was just giving you a heads up. He's heading your way."

"Oh really…" Misty says to her self, voice stuffed with the dreadful **PLOT**.

"Oh Misty, I have one more question."

"Ok."

"Will you make me a samich?"

Silence.

"Is that a no?"

* * *

Nearing route 3, Nameless guy and party are stopped by a nerd. Well they assumed he was a nerd, he wore glasses after all. There was the possibility he was Asian as well, but the group had yet to ask him any math questions yet.

"STAY AWAY MAN!" He screamed.

The group stopped.

**(Switch to first-person.)**

"Why should we listen to you?" I ask.

Helga crosses her arms and eyes the man suspiciously.

"Because I'm a doctor!" The teen age nerd answered."

"THEN YOU'RE A NERD" I scream. Ivysir offers a high five…or well a high vine. I accept the offering.

"Ok well then heed this! Ahead is the land of the sues! It has amazing sue powers! Like radiation or something….Anyways, the closer you get to the home land the more brain cells you lose and the more predictable things are!"

"Uh…speaking of crazy…" I say as I try and walk around him.

"Oh wait! One more thing! I have a gift from your mom!"

"My mom?" I ask clueless.

"Yeah the manatee of a woman, makes you feel like a woman because of her MANlyness, more hair than a new born yeti. That one. Same one I hooked up with, I hope."

He hands me a box. I think he pulled it out of his ass.

"How do you know my mom?" I ask.

"Koney 2012." He says.

"Fair enough."

He begins to walk away but turns around suddenly.

"Oh…my name is Günter by the way. I have a feeling we will see each other soon enough."

"Anymore advice?" I ask in sarcasm.

"Don't invest in gold."

"Ok then."

"Bye" Günter said with a wave.

"See ya" I say with a wave.

I tear…I mean open the box like a gentleman, sparing the wrapping paper. And inside is a pair of shoes.

I read the note attached aloud.

"I found these at the local Good Will, they should have the ability to break the laws of Pokemon Physics and allow you to run. Cool huh? They were only five bucks. LOVE YA." I finish.

With a sigh I put them on. Chills ran down my back and the sensation of standing on a mountaintop overwhelmed me. I felt like a man. The universe was my cloister…or some shit like that. I put one foot forward and felt the erg to run. I did so, and smiled.

I felt like things would be great, but the world hates me so….well see.

* * *

**Current Team:**

**Ivysir- Lvl 16 **

**Pringles-Lvl 15**

**Helga-Lvl 15**

**The Carl- Lvl 12 **

**Del-Lvl 10 **

* * *

**AN: So here is another chapter and stuff. I actually put some political opinion in here, it is a boring chapter but it was the first thing I was able to think up….been kinda idea less for a while n'stuff. SOOOOOOOO. Check out my other stuff, and drop a review. Tell me your favorite part, or least favorite part, or both. Uh…..in like a day is summer vacation.**

**THREE CHEERS.**


	10. Stupid Mary-Sues

Route 3 was filled with some pretty strange people.

Only walking roughly a half-mile from where I met Günter, I had been accused of rape, repeatedly attacked, and sexually harassed. All within a thirty minute time zone. Of course I had challenged each one to a pokemon battle.

**Voice in the sky:** Wait….I thought there wasn't supposed to be other pokemon trainers!

**Nameless Guy:** Uh…there not pokemon trainers…errrrrrr. Oh. They are obviously pokemon cock fighters!

**Voice in the sky**: What is the difference?

**Nameless Guy:** Don't poke holes in the plot.

**Voice in the sky:** What plot?

**Nameless Guy:** Shut the fuck up.

"Did you just have a conversation with the sky? " A female voice asks. I look to see a stunning babe. Like man. Wow. She has boobs and the works.

Turning my **swag** on I grease my hair, place a tooth pick into my teeth after magically putting on a leather jacket.

"Aye. How you doin'?" I reply.

Her eyes widen.

"My god! Fifties get up out of no where! You must be like me!" She squeals, sexily. **(That was symbolic)**

She grasps my hand and begins to drag me towards a pair of hills, together they look like a butt. Hahahaha. That was humorous. Did you get it? It was a joke.

Anyways, I know we must be getting it on or something like that.

Ivysir runs in front of the girl whom is dragging me. He whips her hand releasing me.

"Ouchy!" The girl woman lady screams.

"Don't be such a cock block Ivysir! What did you do that for?" I asked.

"That woman lady girl thing is not a woman lady girl thing!" Ivysir exclaims.

The woman girl prostitute lady procession thing gasps.

"How did you know?" She gasps.** (Again.)**

"Wut?" I say.

She then tears of her costume, the boobies and the rest. In front of me appears a tall man. For some reason he is blue. Yeah. Blue. I said it. The color. **West-side.**

"My name is Ash Pokeballs!" He introduces.

Ivysir pulls out a gun. **(He's a republican too) (Despite being British.) ( Can British people be republican? Is it racist thinking they can't?)**

"I know what you are!" Ivysir growls.

Ash Pokeballs smiles and raises a hand.

"Peace brother!" Ass Balls said.** (See what I did there? Witty)**

"We a brothers no more! Ever since that day! You killed my lover." Ivysir exclaimed.

"It was a necessary evil! One that was meant to unravel the space time continuum and then eventually wake us up from this dream with in a dream with in a dream with in a dream, then it turns out we may still be dreaming, it was excellent plot effects!" Balls says.

He starts to radiate blue.

Ivysir shoots him in the face. He dies. Har Har.

Then **2Lax4U** walks in and IvySir shoots him too. He dies. Stupid FlAmErs. **#no English. # what the hell is a hashtag?**

"I am so confused, am I getting laid or not?" I ask.

"I can answer that!" Del says. Suddenly a chatty Cathy.

"You see master; we have entered the Sue-Zone. Where all sense and logic has left us, you must now live by your primeval instincts. Ergo, you are nothing but an awkward teenage boy bent on sex. "Del explains.

"I wasn't that before?" I say.

"Don't poke holes. Anyways the only way to get out of here is to talk to the Sue-King in the area and get his permission to pass."

"How do we find this king?" I ask.

Then the dead corpse of Ass Balls suddenly stood up. Not dead anymore. 2Lax4U stayed dead, cause he is a fart head like that.

"I am good friends with the Sue-King; I was originally going to take you there when I was a hungry hungry hippo, Because we are both Mary-Sue's." Balls Ass says.

"I am a Mary-Sue?" I say. Shocking development.

"Yeah, you talk to pokemon right? I bet you haven't lost a battle either! Oh and you pokemon can use moves that aren't even possible. Do you happen to have a cheesy name?" Pokeballs Ash asks.

"Uh…"

"Thought so!" Says Henry.

Henry is Ass Ball's other name.

So of they went, to the capital city. May the odds ever be in your favor!

"Fuck the Hunger Games! I am too Russian for them." Mutters Helga.

* * *

The Capital city wasn't that awesome. I mean it didn't even have a pool table. It was actually just a giant mansion, really pretty and stuff.** ( I am so descriptive.)**

As we approached the front door Ash's Balls explained the situation.

"This is Xavier's Institute for the Mentally Retard…I mean Mary-Sues. We gather here from around the world to have a really good time, n'stuff. We are ruled by the strongest Sue in the area."

"Oh….." I say. Ivysir shoots him again but nothing happens.

We enter the Mansion. I gasp. Gasp.

A hole bunch of people where having an **Orgy**, my god, it gets worse, they were dressed up as Poke**man**s. The sound of pokemoans reached my ears and the smell of fish reached my ears.

See what I did with the Poke**moans**?

I resist jumping in, Ass Balls points towards another room and I walked over to it. Henry wasn't able to withstand not being in an Orgy, he jumps in dressed as a Lucario.

**OMG I LUZ LUCARIO. (Hint this isn't important.) (Hint, this is a lie)**

We enter some really wide room. A single kid is sitting upon a giant chair, he wore shorts.

"Hello! I am the Sue-King, My name is Youngster Joey. My rattata is in the Fucking Top Ten Percent." Joey brags.

"Dude. My God. These Chocodiles, so good. I am referring to your shorts." I say.

"Ah yes, they are comfy and easy to wear."

"That is the truth, pants can suck my dick." I say.

"Exactly."

"So. Broham, can I go through this proper settlement and go to Mount. Moon.?"I ask

"Sue thing. If you beat me in a battle." Joey says.

"Ok."

"GO **MAN**HAMMER." Joey screams

Out comes a Rattata. My dear lord. Can I do this?

Yes I can! Because I am a **MAN.**

"Go PRINGLES."

My Pidgey stared down the Rattata, intimidating.

Then the little rat transformed into an Articuno.

GASP.

"Oh NOOOOOOOO" I screamed.

"OH YEAH." Say the kool aid guy. Who smashed into the room, sloshing his red liquid goodness everywhere. It was the distraction I needed.

"MACH 5 HURRICANE ATTACK." I scream.

Pringles released a big GUST of wind, that whipped around and stuff. It crashed into Raticuno at a speed of MACH 5. It was knocked out. YAY.

Then Pringles began to evolve.

Gasp.

Pringles was now a Pidgeotto.

"You may exit!" Joey inquired. (I know I had to do this once. Get off my back mom.)

So we did.

And we made our way towards the base of Mount Moon.

Oh yeah we caught a Jigglypuff, named her then boxed her.

Eighties high-five?

**YEAH.**

**Music plays:" Don't you…forget about me…NO NO NO NO"**

Meanwhile- The microwave revolution has begun.

* * *

**Ivysir- Lvl 18**

**Pringles-Lvl 18- (Pidgeotto)**

**Helga-Lvl 18**

**The Carl- Lvl 16**

**Del-Lvl 12**

**An: Dear god that was painful. For those who don't know I basically made in fun of most things in Mary-Sue Stories. Mostly I made in fun of xxRubyJanetxx. This chapter was the hardest for me to write. I need a break after this.**

**Ugh.**

**So if you have any questions ask me in the reviews, uh Read and Review. Reviews make me happy. I will acknowledge most (all) of the questions and Answer them. YEAH.**

**2Lax4U Out. (I'm going to go cry now.)**


	11. Stupid Mount Moon

"HOLY SHIT!" I yell.

I was referring to the mountain before me. Mount. Moon was bigger than I thought.

It erected from the earth **(here comes the penis jokes)** making all the** men** in the area feel intimidated and un**MAN**ly.

"Master, it is the 25th largest mountain in the world. Are you sure a noobish team like us should be attempting this dangerous feat?" Pringles asks.

"Why the hell not?" I say.

"Vat do vant?" Helga asks a dark hooded minority gang banger guy who approached oh so thug like.

"Yo! Homes, want some of the goods?" He asked, ignoring Helga and directed the question towards me.

"You got the goods ese?"

"Yeah, you got the cash?" He says as he holds out a pokeball.

"Depends….show me the goods." I say.

He opens the pokeball….and oh my god…**(Mom…These chocodiles.)** an orange **GOD** appears. The fish with the magical nose hairs flopped on the ground, oh so powerfully.

"How much?" I ask.

"hehehehe…500 bit coin." He says.

I gasp. **GASP.**

"Were did you go wrong!" I say then slap him across the face.

"Hey man, I didn't choose the **THUG** life the **THUG** life chose me!"

Helga broke his spine.

We neared the entrance to the cave, a strange sound could be heard from inside, like the sound of techno with a Jamaican twist. Then I smelled it. It was the smell of bad decisions.

I charged inside without a second thought.

* * *

The team and I staggered out of the cave, with many hiccups and giggles. We stopped at a nearby rock.

"That was the best time of my life!" I cheer.

The sound of music could still be heard.

A new pink member joined the circle and an old member seemed to be missing.

"Hello **(Hic)** My name is Farce; I am a Clefairy and a struggling alcoholic who is addicted to meth and sex. " He introduced.

"The Carl is feeling good. The Carl got laid." Carl said with a giggle.

"Yes Mr. Drunk, I am Officer and the president of Canada." Pringles mumbled.

"I don't get intoxicated, unless it is from vodka from mother Russia." Helga states, arms crossed like a badass.

"Please…No more Vietnam flash backs…" Ivysir cried to himself.

"Anyone see Del? And where the hell did I get this rock?" I say. Before tossing the rock behind my back.

There was silence.

**DUN DUN DUN.**

"The Carl got some." Carl giggled.

**(What happens in Mount. Moon stays in )**

* * *

**Current Team: **

**Ivysir-Lvl 20**

**Pringles- Lvl 18**

**The Carl-Lvl 17**

**Farce-Lvl 18**

**Helga-Lvl 18**

* * *

**AN: I will reply to your guys reviews. N'stuff. Also sorry for the short chapter. (Ok no I'm not) **

**Greece's Kitty: Heeeeey, how you doin'? Thanks for all the Hashtagging. Gary-sue? I like Mary-sue better, FUCK the system.**

**Gallontmon7196: I am an internet persona, ergo (What does ergo mean?) (#Iknowwhatitmeans) I can't die in stories or other shit. Yes Ash Pokeballs it was a symbol for the governments inter turmoils. And I think it will end nicely. But idk...**

**TinkabellaRockafella: OK?**

**FinalPower: Damn Straight. **

**Entei7800: I have that affect on people. It's a gift.**

**Will The Charizard: I don't intend to, and thanks broham. **

**So yeah...**

**PINEAPPLES.**


	12. Stupid Genitals

"DEL!" I yelled, for the billionth time. **(What felt like.)**

"Master just give up, Del was a type redundancy anyways. Though I do wish Carl disappeared instead." Says Pringles.

Carl was currently retelling the tale about how he got lucky.

"So then The Carl put the drugs into her drink…" I over heard him say. **(RAPE ALERT)**

Pushing that thought away I tried calling Del's name again.

"DEL!"

Nothin'

Farce the newest **(Drug addict and sexual fiend)** member gave his opinion.

"Why don't you go look at places Del might like…"

"That's a great IDEA! Wait….what does Del like?" I ask.

"We don't know, she didn't have much character development, she didn't talk much either." Ivysir points out.

"Oh well then fuck Del." I state tired of this.

We walked for a bit, ran for a bit, danced for a bit, and discovered we didn't have really anything to do. **(Our author being out of jokes for the time being and actually quite tired. He is a pussy.)**

Then we heard a sound. It was a peculiar sound.

"Sounds like Bob Saget getting his testicles ripped out of his throat." Helga says, like a bad ass. Cause she is a bad ass **(With a bad ass WINKY FACE)**

We round a corner and find a rather hideous sight. **(Worse than my MANly mother wearing a two-piece swim suit. *Shudders*)**

Two mean, sporting Gi, were doing rather unpleasant things to each others genitalia.

"Punching is the best!" One cried.

"NO, Kicking is supreme." The other declared.

This was followed by a very high pitched squeal from both parties.

I backed away very slowly.

Both the men turned there attention towards me.

"BE**CUM**E OUR DISCIPLE!" they screamed at the same time, still in pain. **(Bruised genitals.)**

Returning all my pokemon I turned an ran. Straight into a patch of tall grass.

Iconic music began to play and I was sent through a acid trip. Then a rattata appeared.** GASP.**

_Voice in the Sky:_ Can our hero over come this RAT of epic power? Where is Del? What is Helga's tragic backstory? Find out some other time!

**AN: Uh…sorry for this chapter…just sorry. And I goofed. I forgot to teach any of my pokemon Mega Punch or Mega Kick. Kinda ran right past them, and when I realized it was too late.**

**NOOOOOOOOOO**

**(NO ONE LEVELED UP)**


	13. Stupid Full Team

The rat monster stood its ground, Farce raised his fists.

The pokemon's teeth shined white, and _deadly_.

It charged.

"IT'S TIME FOR THE RAPE!" My Clefairy screamed as he knocked the rattata back with a slap to the face.

"PIMP SLAP ATTACK!" He screamed as he pimp slapped the shit out of the opponent.

It looked like he was going to _kill_ it.

Before he could I pulled a pokeball from my belt and threw it at the pokemon. After a few stunning seconds the ball dinged, signaling the successful capture.

GASP.

I pick it up.

"FULL TEAM!" I scream in victory. Raising my hands over my head creating a v for VICTORY MOTHER FUCKER.

Might as well wrap up this nuzlocke and say I won already.

**Voice in the Sky**: Don't get cocky, you dick.

**2Lax4U(in heaven):** Yeah I haven't finished yet so fuck you.

"Shuddup you can't see me." I say waving a hand in-front of my face.

**Voice in the Sky:** Oh well then…

I open up the pokeball and let out the Rattata, she quivers in fear.

"Don't rape me!" She cries in fear.

"No promises." Farce says joking….I hope.

"Nah just wanted to say that you are my slave…I mean partner now." I told her.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Doodle." She answers.

"More like death fodder." I say under my breath.

"What?"

"Oh nothing! Lets go to town." I say.

Farce puts his arm around Doodle.

"So about that rape."

**Narrator: Little did they know that death loomed over there heads.**

* * *

**Current Team:**  
**Ivysir-lvl-20**

**Pringles-lvl-20**

**Carl-lvl-20**

**Helga-lvl-20**

**Farce-lvl-20**

**Doodle-lvl-12**

* * *

**An: So that is the chapter, next up VS misty. WHOOOOO. So prolly an update soon. I write really small chapters. HEHEHE. R&R**

**And Will the Charizard: YES, the ability to not make sense is a powerful one. Beware. I do it a lot. **


	14. Stupid Tweak

"I'm scared…." Doodle murmured under her breath.

Farce put his arm around her.

"Don't be sugar lips." He says.

The young rat monster didn't stop shaking.

The full team stood in-front of a large blue building. It was labeled simply as _'Da Gym'._

Anticipation welled inside of me like a cancerous tumor, threatening to blow me up like the death star.

"Finally we will get a new gym badge from the pokemon league! Just like in the games." I cheer.

"Wait…I thought this was about making money in the underground cock fighting arena place?" Ivysir states.

**Voice in the Sky: That joke got old like my mashed potatoes and nicks' grandma's kidney.**

**2Lax4U: So I changed the main characters mind set and the entire universe so that instead of Cock Fights it is pokemon battles again. Did it come across in the other chapters that I was hinting at this? Clever writing huh?**

**Voice in the Sky: Aren't you dead.**

**2Lax4U: Oh yeah.**

**2Lax4U dies. Again.**

"I need to rethink my life." Ivysir mutters under his breath, totally mind fucked.

"POKEMON BATTLE." I scream, charging into the gym. Carl and Helga beside me and the rest outside, utterly confused.

Two trainers stood before me, they sent out there bull shit pokemon.

Carl began to sing. "I just had seeeeex! And it felt sooooooo goooood." As he blew up a horsea with his psychic powers.

Helga silently punched a goldeen in the throat, causing it to implode on it self then form a black hole. Which Helga ate.

"Tastes stellar." She says.

I charge a red headed swimmer chick towards the end of the pool.

"Badge **(Vag)** now!" I barked.

"Battle then vag I mean badge." She barked back. **(We are dogs.)**

"I hate furries.." Helga says before leaving.

I hear Carl in the background, "I think she was a racist."

I pick up Farce and through him at misty.

She sends out a Star thingy, named Staryu.

"Star ships were meant to fly!" Misty sang. **(OMG I LUZ DAT SONG) (Shoot me please, I can't stop)**

"Still counts!" Carl cried.

"Pimp slap dat hoe!" I cried

So Farce began to slap the fuck out of misty. The Staryu crept up behind it.

"Pimp slap that star! Like Luke did to Princess Leaha (Disney princess) In starwars!" I ordered.

He killed the star pokemon.** LOL.**

"Oh! You are good! But can you beat this pussy, I mean pokemon. Go Starmie."

A purple version of the previous star appeared.

Ivysir walked onto the arena, which was water. Could he be Jesus?

Then pulled out a pair of glocks.

"Bullet seed." He muttered then blasted a shit load of holes in the star. It died.

"Vag…I mean badge!"

Misty gave it up.

We left proud of our selves.

:"I just had seeeeeeex" Carl sang.

Then the gym exploded, and no one looked back. Badass.

Then we heard it.

"SNIFFFFF"

Go help us.

* * *

**Farce leveled up-21**

* * *

**An: IT IS THE FOURTH OF MOTHER FUCKING JULY. HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY MOTHER FUCKERS. BLOW SHIT UP, MERRRRRICA.**

**Have a good day gentlemen.**


	15. Stupid Dumbass

***SNIFFF***

"Somebody kill me." I plead, fearing the inevitable. Dumbass had shown up out of nowhere **(like usual)** and was currently groping me and smelling my hair.

"You smell soooooooo guuuuuurd." He moaned, pleased by my scent. Which was the scent of champions. **(Vanilla)** Straight up_** swag.**_

"No homo man, no homo." I say pushing away the idiot.

"ALL THE HOMO!" He hissed.

"This guy is a cracked nut." Ivysir says.

"In mother Russia, nut crack you." Helga explained.

"What is a Russia?" Dumbass asks.

"Imagine cocaine, wrapped in bacon, deep fried with a beer batter, drenched in vodka, and then eaten by a bear." Farce answers.

"That sounds like the Carl's sexual experience." The Carl adds.

We all stare at him.

**Voice in the Sky: Just fucking battle already! WE (The audience) ARE BORED.**

**2Lax4U: Fourth Wall successfully destroyed.**

**Voice in the Sky: You are dead, stay that way you lily ass bitch.**

**2Lax4U: Fuck the police.**

Dumbass sent out his Pidgeotto. I send out Pringles.

"My QUEEN! We meet again!" The Pidgeotto exclaimed.

"Oh it is you! Who are you again?" Pringles asked.

"It is me Jerry! Your lover! From when we were in the colony." Jerry explained.

**Voice in the Sky: Where is this development coming from!**

"SUPER WHIRLWIND MACH 5 MARY-SUE ATTACK HURICANE OF LOVE GOOOO!" I ordered.

"Sorry my love!" Pringles cried before unleashing the SUPER WHIRLWIND MACH 5 MARY-SUE ATTACK HURICANE OF LOVE!

It was so powerful it caused hurricane AWESOME SHIT to hit the Island of America. Oh and Jerry died.

We switched pokemon, I already knew what he would send out. Cause of that one box thingy.

Carl killed his Kadabra. Then Ivysir killed his Rattata. Doodle watched in fear. Quivering at the bloody murder.

"That gore will be you one day." I tell her reassuringly.

Dumbass sent out his final pokemon. It was Charmandurrr.

"POTATOS!" It cried before Helga beheaded it with her Russian Vodka Judo Chop Supreme.

We Won. Yay.

* * *

**Ivysir-lvl-21**

**Pringles-lvl-20**

**Carl-lvl-20**

**Helga-lvl-21**

**Farce-lvl-21**

**Doodle-lvl-12**

* * *

**AN: So yeah, in this entire story the fourth wall is my bitch. That is how far I transcend the normal man. I have been kinda busy as of late and hadn't had time to work on this. My plans to finish it by the end of summer vacation seem to be ruined. OH NO. Same for champion of gender. Anyways, I will make the next chapter longer. How long? Carl's penis long. REVIEW. Btw I hate swag, a lot. (Cause I have none.) **


End file.
